The Top Three Things to NOT Ask of St. Expedite

Top three things NOT to ask St Expedite for...or me, for that matter (please, really, just don't). WARNING: The following may be found offensive to some folks living in an alternate reality. However, it is based on true requests and reports. Here goes..and hold on to your hats cuz...well...

1. You want a bigger penis. Ay yi yi....okay, well, totally inappropriate request to petition St. Expedite for this one. While it is said he will grant any wish, this is simply wishful thinking. Though you can try my magickal waxing the wanker oil (piece of burdock root steeped in almond oil), I can't promise you anything but a temporary reprieve with this one. LOL
2. To sell your soul to the Devil. Woopsie, wrong saint.
3. You want to be a famous fashion model...HODIE. Think about how much this request entails....are you pretty enough? Tall enough? Skinny enough? After answering these questions, does this still like the industry you want to be in? Furthermore, this is not the kind of thing St. Expedite has control over. Just like #1, he did not create you, if your physical characteristics are not, well a good fit, then don't set yourself up for disappointment. If you still want to pursue this career path, a more realistic request would be something like, St. Expedite, help me get an interview with a modeling agency.

For more tips, go here to purchase the book The Conjurer's Guide to St. Expedite.